I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
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Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
I’m confused about plants
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Me My dog
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
why isn’t he texting back
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.