I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
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Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.