I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
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I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?