I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

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Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea


[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??


I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.


I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.


Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.


They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!


I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter


Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.


I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.

We don’t need people like that in this world.


did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,