I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
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My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Free him
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.