I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
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Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Nice try, poison.
Do one person every day that scares you.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.