I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
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My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
paddle faster i hear baby shark
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON