“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
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I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Everything reminds me of my ex
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.