I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
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I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
それは草
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.