I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
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[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
My dad teaching me to drive
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’