I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
You Might Also Like
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
I have never related to anyone more.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
They’re on their honeymoon
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.