“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
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[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.