I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
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Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
‘I know a black person’
– White people
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch