I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
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*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
I want this so bad
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no