I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
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“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
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Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
😩😩😩
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.