I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
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I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Finally a use for spoilers…
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.