I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
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I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
The internet is magic sometimes.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
*updates tinder bio*
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter