I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
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they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
How times have changed.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash