I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
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I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
all bases covered
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.