“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
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I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Ha
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
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