I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
You Might Also Like
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
this chia pet tastes awful
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.