I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
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My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
CUTE CAT‼︎
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages