@RandomAntics

I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.

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@AndyAsAdjective

My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.

@mister_blank

handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.

clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.

me: same as him.

clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.

@JediGigi

*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*

I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS

@ChrisThayerSays

What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?

@junejuly12

If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.

@mommywhitfield

Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off

@brennadine

Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.

@mostlysharks

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

@BullenRoss

DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.