“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
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Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?