I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
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A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.