I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
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This is the coolest video you will see today.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!