I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
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Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
“You drive, I’m tired.”
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Not messing around
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.