I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
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When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.