I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
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The internet is magic sometimes.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.