i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
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*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.