I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
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*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Eat…
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive