I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
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I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
This probably isn’t good
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.