I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
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*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally