I’m afraid we’ve been misjudging everyone who surfs in a hurricane. They’ve got it right.
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Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?Driver: I hit a lawyer
Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?
Driver: I had to chase him through the park first
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
starting a garage orchestra
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
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[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”