I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
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If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Breaking news:
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me