im all 3
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Thank you corporation very cool
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes