I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
You Might Also Like
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.