I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
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Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.