“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
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I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.