IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
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*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
