IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
You Might Also Like
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.