I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
You Might Also Like
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
scenes of unspeakable carnage
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy