I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
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The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks