I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
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Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.