I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
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Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.