I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
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Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Mornin
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.