I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
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I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]