I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
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Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
KFC hitting the cannibal market
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶