I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
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Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.