im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
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No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them