I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
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I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
My favorite type of men is ramen.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
he was correct
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.