“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
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Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
those birds must be on payroll
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel