im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
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A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.